So Far Away
by CandleStyx
Summary: Miki recalls the events leading up to Kozue's death. MikiKozue. Sorry I haven't updated in so long....
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: SKU is not mine sadly…

Authors note: Ok, I know there are some people out there who will disapprove of the relationship in this fic but I have three words for them—I don't care. If you feel bold enough to flame me for it then…BRING IT ON! Now, for everyone (like me) who is totally for the Miki/Kozue pairing, you have my utmost respect. Please R+R if you like it! I'll try not to make Kozue OOC but if she does start to act a little nicer than normal, it will have an explanation...P.S. check out my fic "Sunshine" if you like this one…

Prologue: (in Anthy's rose garden)

"—in loving memory of Kaoru Kozue."

I had barely registered the sounds of Akio's voice until that exact, surreal moment. Until he spelled it out for me as plain as day. Until he showed me that it wasn't some strange, twisted nightmare. She wasn't going to magically sit up and smile and say it was all a joke. The you-should- have-seen-the-look-on-your-face type which leaves everyone laughing insanely because they were so gullible. She was gone. Dead and decomposing in a coffin made of oak and sprinkled with rose petals. A minuscule thing that held within it my entire life.

It was open to display her beautiful, flawless face. A face made magical with the use of makeup. I saw through the concealment however. The image of her bruised and broken body was forever burned into my mind. Those finger marks that encircled her graceful neck, the mottled purple on her cheek, the odd bend of her leg, the gaping wound…and I could still hear my screams as they tore us apart…

I had been sitting, staring ahead blankly, but now, my throat became raw as I tried to hold back my anguish. It was no use. Utena turned to me as the first hot tear rolled down my cheek, dripping onto my clenched hand. Another followed and I tasted its bitter salt.

"Miki, I…" she didn't know what to say. No one did. They had all tried their best though, with "sympathetic" comments such as "I'm so sorry" or "I know what you're going through."

I ignored her and rose quickly. I had to get out of here. Then, I was nearly running through the garden, destroying innocent flowers as I went. I heard Akio pause with surprise for a moment and then continue on, trying to retain composure. I was through the gate in seconds and hurtling at a break- neck speed down the stairs, my breath hitching violently in my chest.

I collapsed on the second to last stair and felt the rest of the tears burst forth from my eyes with startling force. I was usually silent when I would cry but now I unabashedly sobbed, staining the cracked rock and my own face. I realized that this was the first time I had cried since it happened.

I still couldn't bring myself to face the facts. Why did this happen? Why her? I continued to let it all out loudly. This was my fault. All of it. I killed her. No, it was my love that killed her. I wanted to tear out my heart and squeeze it until it was a crushed, steaming pile. What was I now? Nothing. I wasn't even alive. I had died with her in the roses as we clung together. I was in an invisible twin coffin beside the one that held an untamable lioness. A butterfly among the thorns of the world. My butterfly. I had tried in vain to catch her and now she had flown away, into the evening sky where a blood red moon shone brightly. She had drowned in a sea of my desire with shredded wings.

The footsteps were slow and cautious and I didn't hear them at first. A hand rested on my shoulder and a person crouched down next to me. "Miki? Are you gonna be okay? You're missing the funeral." It was Juri. Her curly brown hair framed her face nicely.

I refused to speak. If I did, I was sure to choke up.

"Please talk to me, I want to help."

I sniffed hard and raised my head. I met her eyes, filled with worry. "You c-can't h-h-help me Juri. N-no one can-n," I strenuously managed to sputter.

"I know what its like to lose someone you…love." I knew to what she was referring and anger flashed into me.

"No you d-don't. You n-never really l-l-l-loved Shiori like I l-loved K-K-Kozue," I spat at her. Her eyes went wide and I could tell she was taken aback. I didn't care though. It was the truth.

"I know you're hurting right now Miki," she said softly, trying to ignore my statement as her eyes watered slightly. "If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you."

Hurting? How could she say that knowing full well that I no longer had a soul but an immense hollow pit where it had been? Nevertheless, I nodded slowly and gazed at her, the tears still streaming and hiccup-like coughs racking my lungs so that I couldn't talk anymore. She understood, and somewhat hauling me into her lap, wrapped her arms around my trembling body. I curled up against her like a child and, burying my head into her collarbone, cried until my eyes were red and swollen. We stayed like that for a long time, but Juri was patient. She rocked me back and forth and whispered encouragement into my ears, but not one word reached me. I was too far away. Lost in the memories of what had eventually brought all this about…

Author's note: Is this actually sad? I tried really hard…oh well, on to the first chapter which is sort of the beginning of a bunch of flashbacks in Miki's POV about how he came to love Kozue and, in due time, how she died.


	2. Rainy day fun

Disclaimer: Seriously people, if I owned Utena I wouldn't be writing fanfics for it now would I?  
  
Author's note: All I can say is I hope you didn't hate the prologue so much that you threw your computer across the room…(I'm sooooo paranoid). Please R+R if you liked it though….  
  
Chp.1  
  
"It's probably over now. Do you want to go back?" Juri asked finally. Her voice ripped through the silence like a knife. I frowned and shook my head. I was on the verge of breaking down once more and if I went back…god knows what would happen…  
  
"Are you sure? It might be good if you saw her one more time before they…you know…" she stopped, probably unsure of how to phrase it in a way less than morbid.  
  
Well, that did it. Two large tears rolled onto her shirt. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop the progression of more.  
  
"Oh shit, Miki. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…"  
  
I held up a finger to her lips. "It's o-okay." I was still stuttering.  
  
There was an unsettling silence as each of us tried to think of something to say. I struggled to concentrate, but my mind kept wandering to the image of that damn coffin. The thing that was so undeserving of what it held inside. I, without warning, felt Juri's slender fingers start making their way through my hair and she pulled me close again. I rested my head on her shoulder.  
  
"Miki?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
She looked a little uncomfortable as she spoke. "Earlier when, um, you said that I didn't love Shiori…the way you loved Kozue…what did you mean? If you don't want to tell me, I don't mind at all." Her voice broke a little as she said the name of her childhood friend. The same friend who had a special place inside of a certain locket…  
  
Ah yes, the "way I loved Kozue". I should have said "the way I wanted to love Kozue". I thought about it for a moment. Should I tell her? They would all figure it out soon anyway so she might as well be the first to know. I guessed I would have to start at the beginning. The start of all this painful madness…exactly three weeks ago…  
  
Three weeks earlier:  
  
It was raining. Not the kind of rain that makes you want to run and skip around as you become drenched but the kind that beat you like bullets, threatening to tear holes in your umbrella, straight through to your raincoat. Unfortunately, I had neither.  
  
I hurried towards my dorm building, splashing through countless puddles and further muddying my already soiled school uniform. My hair hung in limp tendrils around my neck and I had to keep pushing it off my face, flinging water droplets everywhere. It seemed like small pellets were bombarding me (and making a lot of noise while they were at it) and I was so preoccupied with avoiding the next puddle that I almost didn't hear my name being called. Luckily though, I did hear it.  
  
"Mikiiii!"  
  
I whirled around and saw Kozue running towards me, waving frantically. With the other hand, she held a large black umbrella. When she got to me, she punched my arm (none too lightly) and laughed. "I was screaming at you. Are you deaf?"  
  
I winced with pain and smiled weakly. "Sorry," I said, brushing the hair out of my eyes once more. I noticed that despite having the umbrella, Kozue was almost as wet as I was. Rivulets of water ran down her face from her hair, and her blouse clung to her curves with startling beauty…I suddenly blushed, unable to stop myself. I never realized just how pretty she had gotten over time—  
  
"What's the matter with you? You're face is all red. Here, get under this umbrella before you die of pneumonia."  
  
I mentally chastised myself for looking like an idiot and had barely said, "Sure" before she hooked her arm in mine and pulled me under. For a brief moment, she rubbed up against me and I smelled the sweet fragrance of her skin. It was lilacs with a hint of vanilla. It was wonderful. It was…making me blush again.  
  
What was wrong with me? Lately, I had noticed myself getting more…conscious of Kozue whenever we were together. I had started to see the little things like the way her noise crinkled when she giggled or the way her lips moved when she talked, so delicately.  
  
We had always had a strong bond (being that we were twins and all) but it felt like it was becoming so much stronger now. Kinda of like if-we- weren't-related-I-could-fall-in-love-with-you type of bond. Sometimes I really did wonder what it would be like if she weren't my sister. If we had met one day on the sidewalk instead of in a delivery room or something. Would we be right for each other?  
  
For now, I put that thought aside (not knowing that after that moment, I would begin to think about it a lot) and started walking again, Kozue still melded onto my arm. We continued on like this in silence until we reached the building.  
  
Inside of our dorm, we both retreated to the bedroom and lay down side by side. After a while, Kozue turned to me and said, "I'm gonna take a bath. Care to join me?"  
  
Since this was sort of an unofficial custom between us on rainy days, I yawned and said, "I'll be there in a sec."  
  
I then became aware that I would see her naked. Before the infamous blush could flare up, I quickly reminded myself that I had seen her naked plenty of times so this wouldn't be different but I also knew that the only time other people saw each other in the nude was when they were going to…  
  
"Could you help me with my blouse?" She was trying to pull it off but it was still very wet and held on mercilessly to her.  
  
"Um, okay," I said awkwardly. She had never asked me to… undress her before. I gripped the fabric and pulled gently, allowing it to slide down her arms, and— "Why aren't you wearing a bra?!" I asked breathlessly. She was bare from the neck to her stomach and her nipples stuck out from the cold.  
  
Kozue shrugged. "I was out of clean ones," she answered blatantly.  
  
"You can't just walk around with no bra on!"  
  
"Yes I can. Why do you care anyway?"  
  
The blush was back. With a vengeance. "I-I don't care. I was just saying—"  
  
She stood up and tugged on her skirt, letting it drop to her ankles. She was wearing underwear, thank god. "I'll see you in the tub."  
  
Having said that she walked into the bathroom, her shoes clicking softly, and shut the door. I lay back down, breathing slightly harder than normal and trying to comprehend what had just happened. I had never before gotten so worked up over something like this and the earlier thought of, "if we weren't related" flashed back into my head. I at once saw Kozue embracing me, her breasts pressing into my chest and I also saw that I didn't find it as weird as I would of, say, a year ago. It was almost…romantic in a perplexing sort of way. We must have grown incredibly closer since then…  
  
"Miki! Are you coming? It's almost full!" and indeed, I now heard the sound of rushing water that I hadn't previously. I knew she was sitting in there, wondering where I was. Naked and wondering. Naked. So very naked.  
  
"Yeah, I'm coming!" I shouted back. I unbuttoned my shirt and let it fall onto the bed. My pants were next. The zipper was cold in my fingers and I waited a moment before squeezing and bringing it down. My shoes slipped noiselessly from my feet and then I stood up, stopping briefly before going into the bathroom.  
  
I creaked the door open slowly and watched Kozue's head peek out from behind the partially closed curtain. Her underwear lay on the rug near the door along with her shoes and socks. "Come on in. I need someone to scrub my back."  
  
My breath sped up again as I spoke. "Could you turn around for a second?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
I pointed to my briefs.  
  
"Oh," she said with a puzzled look and obeyed. I yanked them off quickly, stepped into the water and sat down. It was hot and steaming.  
  
We faced each other and I saw that the bubbles only went as high as her bellybutton. A soapy sponge was immediately shoved into my face causing me to blink rapidly a couple of times. Oh, yeah. The sponge.  
  
Not saying anything, Kozue put her back to me and bent forward, making the water ripple against the inside of my thighs. I gasped.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing," I said and proceeded to carefully run the sponge across her smooth, dripping back.  
  
"Harder." The word made a strange sensation radiate through my groin area. Arousal? Couldn't be. I rubbed the sponge with more pressure and she said, "Perfect," almost moaning it. I stopped.  
  
"Miki?"  
  
"I can't do this. I have to go."  
  
"Do what?" she asked bewildered, but I didn't answer. Instead, I got out of the tub, trailing water over the side and grabbed a towel. Wrapping it around my waist I walked out.  
  
"I'm going to bed Kozue. See you in the morning."  
  
She started to object but I closed the door behind me. One thought kept bothering me…why did it have to rain today?  
  
  
  
Author's note: Ok, chapter 2 is on its way…didja like this one??????? 


	3. Journal

Disclaimer: It's not mine, It's not mine, IT'S NOT MINE!!!!!  
  
Author's note: Read and enjoy. I can't think of anything else to say…::cough cough:: oh yeah, one of the main reasons I'm writing a fic of this nature is that…I just haven't seen enough Miki/Kozue ones out there. I mean, come on people, where's your sense of adventure? Oh and I tried to make Kozue meaner in this chapter (poor Miki…)  
  
Chp.2  
  
Juri had finally convinced me to go see the coffin again. So, we stood before it now, astounded by its looming presence in the deserted garden. It was closed presently, but that didn't change the fact that she was inside of it. My sweet butterfly.  
  
"So, here we are…" she said, stating the obvious.  
  
"Yeah," I murmured. My eyes were dried out to the point that no more tears would come. Kozue wouldn't want me to cry anyway.  
  
"Miki, can we talk about what you told me?"  
  
"What?" I was distracted as a cold breeze toyed with the last few petals still draped over the lid. They swirled into a semi-tornado before slowly drifting to the ground. "What more is there to say?" I asked bitterly.  
  
Juri looked unconvinced. "I think that there's something you're not telling me. There's more to the story isn't there?"  
  
I gazed at her and then upwards at the sky. It was late afternoon by now and the sun was starting to set, casting unearthly hues of gold and rust. I sighed. I have to tell her. It's better that I come to terms with what happened rather than holding it all inside. "Yes, so much more than you could ever imagine," I said, smiling sadly at the memory.  
  
"Let's sit down then. I want to hear this."  
  
So we did and I began the rest of my intricate story, telling her just how much I was to blame for Kozue's death…  
  
  
  
2 weeks and 6 days earlier:  
  
The night after the "bathing fiasco", I was still thinking about it. It was near midnight, but I was still awake and pondering the way I had acted. Why did "if we weren't related" keep bothering me? I knew she was my sister and therefore, completely off limits. I hadn't even admitted anything to myself yet.  
  
Next to me, Kozue shifted in her sleep, groaning slightly. The sheets were tangled around her messily and the top button of her pajama shirt had come undone. The next one wasn't too far behind. I unconsciously reached over, redid it for her and tried my best to straighten out her covers. I tucked them under her chin and swept the loose sapphire strands of hair from her face. Then, it occurred to me that this was the antidote to my recent problems. All the moments, which we shared (like this one), all the ones were we equally showed how pure and unconditional our sibling love was…they kept me grounded in sanity. And safe from these new thoughts of "what if?" I didn't want to risk jeopardizing what we already had.  
  
Sleep came to me quickly after that.  
  
  
  
The morning light streamed into the room, causing me to squint my now open (but tired) eyes. I turned to face Kozue and gaped at an empty spot that had a vague outline of her body pressed into it. She must have just gotten up.  
  
Without warning, a shirt was thrown into my face and I bolted upright.  
  
"Get up! You'll be late dumbass!" came Kozue's fanatical cry. She was putting on her clothes with amazing speed.  
  
"What time is it?" I asked groggily. I threw off the covers and got to my feet, nearly falling over backwards with the weight of sleep still lingering.  
  
"7:45! Get dressed!" she sounded really annoyed. "I fucking can't believe you let me oversleep!"  
  
"Since when is it my fault?" I threw back playfully.  
  
She glared at me and said, "I hate you," and walked out, fully dressed now. I soon heard the sounds of her making a bowl of cereal in the kitchen. I sat stunned for a while. She had no idea how much those words hurt me.  
  
Putting my arms through the sleeves of my shirt, I secured it around myself and then after searching for my pants, put those on too.  
  
In the kitchen, she was sitting at the table, scarfing spoonfuls of soggy cereal. I grimaced. She must have seen me because she said, "What's your problem? Come eat."  
  
I grabbed some food and joined her, sitting down in the chair across from hers. We ate in silence until we were finished, at which point I said, "I guess we'd better get going, huh?"  
  
"Uh-huh, whatever," she nodded.  
  
I stood and went for the door, picking my bag off the floor before stepping outside. Kozue followed and we walked for awhile, until reaching the school. I noticed a group of her friends standing around. One looked up and waved, the others copied her, and they immediately swarmed towards us. I was abruptly overwhelmed with 7 giggling girls sharing the latest gossip. I heard various bursts of, "You won't believe what he did!" and "Did you hear what happened to Wakaba?" or even "Does anyone have advil? I have cramps!"  
  
This happened every morning. The second we got near the school, Kozue's friends would interrupt our walk and steal her away to go talk about who knows what…I wanted to go one day without having her leave. I wanted to walk with her and talk with her about how beautiful the sky was or how beautiful…she…was. Damn! There it was again! Couldn't I stop myself from thinking about it for one freaking second?  
  
"Bye Kozue. I'll see you later," I said. My voice was drowned out over the sounds of the girls and so she didn't glance in my direction, much less hear me. Oh well, there was always tonight…  
  
Later that day in class, my teacher announced that we would have to keep a personal journal for the next week, recording all of our thoughts and desires; anything we could think of really. Everyone was pissed but I didn't mind. He said it wouldn't be read and so we should feel free to indulge ourselves. The point of it all would be to look back on it someday and see what we were like in high school. I knew exactly what I was. Confused. Maybe this "writing down your thoughts" thing might help me to deal with my weird feelings toward Kozue as of late. Just maybe.  
  
Author's note: ………..::cough cough::…………I once again have nothing more to say then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW ME!! There's more chapters to come if you do… 


	4. So close to you

Disclaimer: Once again, its not mine!!!!  
  
Author's note: this chapter was inspired by U2's "Wild Honey" for some reason unknown to me…  
  
Chp.3  
  
"So, you kept a journal?" Juri asked. We sat back to back on my bed.  
  
"I still have it."  
  
"I can understand why."  
  
I rested my hand on one of the soft pillows and closed my eyes. "Sometimes I think she's about to walk through the door and everything will be okay again, but then I…remember."  
  
Juri turned her head over her left shoulder and grasped my hand in hers. "You will always have her memories, right?"  
  
"Yes, I suppose. It's just been so difficult to go on living these past few days though, you know? It's like every time I go to sleep, I can smell her on the sheets and in the air and it just tears me apart."  
  
Juri turned around again and I heard her breathe deeply. "You still haven't finished the story by the way. I have yet to see how it relates to Shiori."  
  
"I'm not sure I want to tell you the rest." It might have sounded rude but all this was filling me with painful guilt and remorse.  
  
"Please, Miki. When you let it go, you'll be that much closer to healing yourself."  
  
Instead of answering, I got up and went to the closet. Opening it, I pulled out a long black dress.  
  
"Was that…"  
  
I ran my fingers across the fabric. "It was hers. She wore it to the end-of-school dance. Did you go?"  
  
"Yes, but what has that got to do with anything?"  
  
"A lot, but I'll come to it later." And then I began the next portion of my tale.  
  
  
  
2 weeks and 2 days earlier:  
  
The journal was harder than it seemed. Whenever I wanted to write, nothing would come to me and I was stuck just describing my boring day at school. Not exactly great material.  
  
By the third day though, I had something to jot down. My most recent episode with Kozue. It happened after the announcement of the summer dance was posted and I was on my way to lunch. A girl that I didn't really know, but had seen around, came to me and was nearly babbling incoherently with excitement.  
  
"Um, hi, um, Miki," she squealed.  
  
"Hello," I said, not slowing my pace. I was really hungry.  
  
"Wait a second!" she called after me. "I need to ask you something!"  
  
I stopped and turned. "Yes?"  
  
She labored at getting the words out. "D-do you h-h-have a date for the d-d-d-dance?" Her face turned a peculiar shade of crimson.  
  
I laughed. "No, I don't. Are you asking me?"  
  
She shook her head furiously, her ponytail bouncing.  
  
"Well—" I started but then something interrupted me. A very loud something. Kozue. She was instantly by my side and then she stepped between the girl and me.  
  
"What do you want with Miki?" she snarled.  
  
The girl seemed to have been struck dumb so I answered instead. "She was asking me to the dance."  
  
She looked the girl up and down and said, "He's already got a date."  
  
The girl, having momentarily regained her speech, said, "But, he—"  
  
"I said he's already got a date!" and the girl scampered off quickly, obviously frightened.  
  
"Kozue, why did you do that?!"  
  
"You deserve better than that bitch. She just noticed you for your looks, not your personality. I'm the only one who really knows anything about you."  
  
"Well, who am I going with then?"  
  
"Me, stupid. Then I can make sure you won't get yourself seduced by some slut, right?" and she walked away, humming to herself.  
  
I stood nonplussed. The whole time she was talking, I watched her lips. I wondered what it would be like to kiss them…  
  
That night, I stayed up with my journal. Kozue had gone to sleep hours ago but I was in bed with a flashlight, scribbling away. Here's what I had so far:  
  
Today was good. Nothing really happened. Except that this girl asked me to the dance but Kozue said that I was going with her. Why is she so possesive? Maybe she feels the same way about me? Oh, I have finally come to a conclusion. I love her.  
  
I yanked my pencil away from the wrinkled paper in shock. I had written those words without even thinking. "I love her"? No, that wasn't right. I was her brother. She was my sister. Wrong, all of it wrong. I erased as hard as I could but the letters were almost permanently etched onto the line. While the color was gone, the imprint of the phrase remained, penetrating through my eyes. Saving itself to my memory.  
  
I looked down on Kozue's sleeping form. She was so beautiful while she slept and I stared for minutes before perceiving how tired I was. I lay down and faced her, inches from her nose, our lips nearly…touching…  
  
She was breathing in and out slowly, almost rhythmically and it put me in a trance. I knew that this was a perfect moment between us. Maybe I could love her. Maybe, if she never knew. Maybe if I never officially let my brain know so it wouldn't interfere with my heart.  
  
God, love's a bitch.  
  
Author's note: Is Kozue less OOC now?????? I have the most trouble with her personality!!!!! 


	5. Shatter

Disclaimer: I don't own SKU.  
  
Author's note: Thanks for all the nice reviews people gave me!! I feel so loved! By the way, does anyone out there like the idea of a Saionji x Touga pairing? I think that's what my next fic will be based on. But don't look for it anytime soon. I'm still working out the bugs in the plot…oh, and sorry for the big jump in the flashback countdowns but I didn't want this to go on for too long and become boring….  
  
Chp.4  
  
We lay side by side on the bed, talking. Every once in a while, Juri would let some of her fingers interlock with mine and squeeze my hand.  
  
She finally asked the question I had been waiting for. "Why Kozue?"  
  
I didn't answer at first because no words would come into my mouth. When I did, I spoke slowly and carefully. "Why do you love Shiori? Love is something that can never really be explained, can it? I don't know why I began to love her just as you could never say how Shiori found a place in your locket."  
  
I turned my head to her and saw that her face was twisted with a weird expression, a cross between realization and denial. We were silent for a while and then she swung her legs around and got to her feet, never looking at me. "Miki, why do people have to fall in love?" it sounded more like a challenge than a question.  
  
"We just do. Even if Kozue hadn't been my twin, I believe that we would have met somewhere in the world and I would have fallen for her just the same," I said, admitting that my feelings had been more than a one time thought about what might have been between us.  
  
She pulled the locket from her shirt and fingered it, almost prudently. "They told us that she killed herself."  
  
"Killed herself?" I asked in a huff.  
  
She nodded. "What really happened?"  
  
What happened? I killed her. That's what happened. If she hadn't found my damn journal...  
  
1 week 2 days earlier:  
  
It was hot so we had taken refuge underneath a large tree, its numerous leaves providing much needed shade. She rested her head in my lap as I sat, feet straight out, reading a book. I had to restrain myself from stroking a finger across her cheek and telling her how much I thought about us. It was hard.  
  
"Miki, do you have a crush on someone?" she asked, both eyes closed.  
  
I set the book down on the grass beside me. "No," I lied.  
  
"Tell me the truth." She opened one eye now.  
  
"I am."  
  
"No you're not. You like some girl. That's why you've been acting so strange lately."  
  
Crap, she had noticed. I wanted to say, "You don't know the half of it" but instead I opted for, "I don't have a crush on anyone."  
  
"Liar. Are you sneaking around with her? I'll kick her ass if she's—"  
  
"I'm not lying!" I half yelled and she shrugged and closed her eyes again.  
  
"I'll find out," she said quietly.  
  
2 days earlier:  
  
The night of the big dance I was reclined on the couch, reviewing the latest entry in my journal. The latest, most revealing entry. It read:  
  
Day 8: (I hadn't really remembered to use it everyday…)  
  
The last two weeks have been complete hell. Every time she's near me I want to pull her into my arms and it hurts so much to know that I can't. She is within my reach yet I can never have her. I can't believe this. I am in love. With Kozue. Deeply, sickly, obsessively in love. She must never know. Never never never never.  
  
I wasn't able to write anymore. I was too disgusted with myself. I put the book facedown on the cushion and headed for the bathroom. Bracing myself over the toilet, my stomach boiling, I vomited violently until bright blood began to speckle the half-digested mess that confronted me; but I couldn't seem to stop. My insides were coming up. My heart pushing against my burning throat along with it all. When I did stop though, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Then, the tears came and I sobbed against the wall, pounding it viciously with my fists. They were covered with bruises in minutes. Somehow I dragged myself into the shower, turning the water to the hottest it would go and tried to scald the nausea out of myself. I felt so…dirty. Like nothing I did would ever make me clean again.  
  
Amidst the steam and noise of the running water, I wouldn't hear her come in. Wouldn't hear her pick up the book. Wouldn't hear her flip the pages, one by one, reading each with growing surprise. No, I wouldn't hear a thing. Not a thing…  
  
  
  
Kozue opened the door and walked in, eager to change for the dance and leave again. She went to the closet and produced a beautiful black strapless gown that shimmered darkly under the lamplight. She stripped to her bra and undies and slipped into it. The fabric fit her like a glove. A wonderful glove. After putting on her high heels, a thin silver necklace, and bright ruby earrings, she twirled a couple times in the mirror, admiring herself. That's when she saw it in the corner of the reflection. The small red book on the couch. It was without a title, which caught her curiosity and she reached for it.  
  
Abruptly, the distracting sound of water invaded her ears, causing her to withdraw her outstretched hand, and she concluded that Miki was in the shower, cleaning himself before he tried on his tux. It hung beside the spot the dress had occupied, in all its crisp glory. She considered yelling for him to hurry up so she could see it on him but thought it better if he surprised her on the dance floor. She would leave him a note. She glanced around for a scrap of paper and spotted one on the bedside nightstand, along with a pen. This is what she wrote:  
  
Went to the dance. See you there.  
  
Satisfied she dropped the pen beside it and started towards the door, but then remembered that the red book still lay untouched. She was itching to see what it held inside…  
  
As she turned to the first page, she realized it was Miki's diary. "How cute. Maybe it'll say who he likes," she mumbled, a faint smile beginning. She had been wondering for the last week who it could be. She skimmed through it…until she came to the first mention of her name. With an even stronger interest, she read the entry out loud, all thoughts of Miki's "crush" gone for the time being.  
  
"Day 5. I wanted to kiss her today. I really did. I hate myself so much right now. If she ever saw this, I don't know what I would do. Maybe I should just tell her. Kozue, I love you."  
  
  
  
  
  
The water spurting down my body felt so good and I didn't want to get out but I knew I had to. I would be late for the dance.  
  
I turned the knob to the right and the flow immediately ceased. I ran a hand through my wet hair, stepped out and grabbed for a towel, but there wasn't one. I had left it on the bed earlier. Oh well, Kozue wasn't back yet so I was safe to go out like I was.  
  
I definitely wasn't prepared for what I saw when I went through the door. It was Kozue. She sat on the couch, her eyes somewhat glazed over and in her hand was…oh, god…  
  
I became acutely aware of the way she appeared to me at the time. Those wispy strands of indigo, curling around her neck. The tilt of her head. The furrow in her brow. The way she had propped one leg on top of the other, so smoothly. The fresh smell of used soap wafting from the bathroom…  
  
Her face was stone as she glanced up. "Why?" she whispered, almost inaudibly. I heard the hurt in her voice.  
  
I stood naked, the droplets splattering to the ground and thought for a crazy second that if I closed my eyes and then reopened them, I would still be in the shower. Away from here. Away from this moment. Away from…everything… because life is funny. Sometimes its really nice to you and other times it just comes back to bite you in the ass. This was one of those bite-you-in-the-ass-times.  
  
I took a cautious step towards her and I will never forget the look she gave me right then. It was like I was some sort of half-dead animal with my rotting flesh dropping around me. She flinched visibly and moved her mouth but no sound came out.  
  
I listened to the seconds on the clock ticking by as I tried to comprehend my plight. Each one sounded like huge shards of glass slamming into the floor only to shatter into millions of pieces. Bang. Shatter. Bang. Shatter. It seemed like a thousand years had gone by, when in actuality, it was seconds. Only seconds. That's all it took for life as I knew it to tear into me and go down the drain. That's all it took for her to run from the room, leaving the door just the slightest bit ajar.  
  
I continued to stand, bent my head down… and cried.  
  
  
  
Author's note: Did you like it? I wasn't going to have Kozue find the journal while Miki was there at first. She was going to find it in a drawer while looking for some perfume. But I thought it would be so much more heart wrenching if he walked out while she was reading it. More on his reaction in the next chapter!! (and…how Kozue really died is coming up!) Sadly, there will only be two more chapters after this one (maybe three)… 


	6. Strawberry kisses

Disclaimer: SKU is the property of the very talented Chiho Saito!!

Author's note: Yes, this is a redo of Chp.5 because I suddenly didn't like the idea of a lemon in it…Hope this is better. There will be a lemon in the next chapter though, but not between Miki and Kozue. Oh, by the way, does anyone out there listen to Weezer? I totally love them!! 

Chp.5 (This chapter won't start with a Miki/Juri dialogue

The first stars peeped out in the darkness as the full moon cast eerie light on the surroundings. A breeze played with her dress, sending it billowing out around her legs and her hair went askew. She didn't notice however. 

She was in an utter daze as she pushed the double doors of the ballroom open and met the noisy chaos. Music blasted and people swarmed over the dance floor, moving in sync with each other (although some moved to their own "rhythm"). One of her friends, a loud girl with black hair, rushed towards her and squealed, "_There _you are! I thought you weren't coming!"

"Oh," Kozue said distractedly. "Did Miki come by here yet?"

"No, but you have to try the strawberries and cream they have!" the girl said, changing the subject. She grabbed Kozue's arm and dragged her over to a long table with a white, lace cover draped across it. Various bowls of snacks and punch littered it. 

"I'm not very hun—" she began, but was cut off as a luscious berry was stuck into her mouth. She bit down and cold juice spurted across her tongue. She winced with surprise as she remembered the strawberries her and Miki had eaten earlier. Before she had read the journal. Nostalgic tears filled her eyes and she swallowed hard.

"Aren't they good? Hey! Where are you…" the girl's voice faded as Kozue turned and ran, the tears beginning to course down her face. She pushed through a crowd and they yelled strings of obscenities, but she barely heard.

Outside, she took in the cold air sharply to her lungs and pumped her legs harder to get away from…what? She had no idea but she knew that she needed to be alone. When she reached the pool, she went through the old black gate to the water's side. Situating herself (with her shoes kicked off), she let her feet dangle into the water and cried.

He had no damn _right_ to love her back. No right at all. Not when she loved him too. She supposed she had always felt that way about him but over the years it had become more apparent to her. She had forced herself to bury it, in the back of her mind, and let it be overcome by possessiveness. She pushed away anyone who had the slightest interest in him; telling him that he deserved someone better, someone like her perhaps…she figured though, if she just tried to forget about her need for him, it would just go away. Or, just be easier to deal with. So far, it had worked great. Whenever she felt an urge to grab and kiss him, she just spat out something to hurt his feelings. The sad look in his eyes made her feel in control of the situation. As long as she gave him no reason to have feelings for her, she was safe. As long as she thought he would push her away in disgust if she kissed him, she was safe. Safe in a world of self-delusions. Because, if he ever felt the same, then nothing would hold her back from doing what she sometimes fantasized about. Even the fact that they were related wouldn't have mattered. Yes, as long as he never felt the same…

But, the journal had sent all her hopes crashing into the ground. It had weighed so little in her hands, much less than she would have thought. With the ominous secret it contained, it should have been ten times heavier at least, but it hadn't been. It was feather light, giving her a false sense of security and making her believe that it would have syrupy words oozing across the lines instead of a bitter, shocking mess. _Damn him_…

I didn't remember actually pulling the tux from the closet but now I stood before the mirror, fully clothed. I combed back my hair back, straightened out my bow tie and examined my splotchy cheeks. Yeah, crying will do that to you.

The last thing I imagined seeing when I stepped from the bathroom was my journal and Kozue. After she had left the room, I stared at the door for a long time, willing myself to accept that it had actually happened. In a worst case scenario, she would slap me and tell me how disgusting I was. In a best case scenario, she would smile and say, "I love you too!" Yeah, right.

My footsteps echoed noisily as I walked down the hall. I wanted to tear back to my room and hide under the covers but I had to find her and talk to her. What would I say? What _could _I say? I pondered this as the horde of butterflies in my stomach led me onwards to quite possibly the moment of destiny I had been waiting for. 

In front of the doors to the ballroom, I swallowed hard and tried to pull my courage together. What if she was the first person I saw? I placed my moister-than-usual palms on the polished oak and…was pushed backwards by a flustered black haired girl who burst through it with startling ferocity. "Miki! Have _you_ seen Kozue? No one knows where she went."

"N-no I haven't. Was she here earlier?" I hoped she couldn't hear the relief in my voice.

"Yeah, but someone said she might have gone by the pool."

"I'll go check," I said and turned, sprinting in utter anticipation. Now it was time. Time for me to face up to her once and for all.

Her feet still trailed slowly through the water as she rubbed her swollen eyes. She had stopped crying now but the thoughts of Miki hadn't completely deserted her.

Her ears suddenly perked, as the thumps of feet became apparent, followed by a creaky gate opening. She sniffed and turned her head to the left. It was Miki.

She was so beautiful as she sat there, the pale moonbeams illuminating her features to a degree that could only be angelic. Nevertheless, tears stains marred it slightly.

She looked away from me, blushing, as I took a seat beside her. I followed her lead and took off my shoes to let my feet hang into the water. I ran through a list of things to say in my head like, _I wanted to tell you for awhile but wasn't sure how?_ No, that wouldn't work. How about, _I know_ _I'm your brother but I really, really like you?_ This was hopeless. But, before I opened my mouth she said, "You lied to me. You said you didn't have a crush on anyone. For…how long have you…it has been for a while, hasn't it?"

"I, um…that is—"I began, my voice cracking.

She held to fingers to my lips and whispered, "_Shh…_It's okay. I understand."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry you had to…um, find out this way."

"It's better than not finding out at all. Now, could you do me a favor?"

I was on cloud nine. She didn't even seem to care about what she read. Now, I could put it all behind me and forget about ever thinking of her this way again. I was about to find out how wrong I was though… "Hm?" I asked.

"Could you hold still? I want this moment to be perfect, so I can do what I want…" I heard the sound of water being displaced below us as she shifted.

I laughed nervously. "What do you want?"

"This," she murmured and then leaned forward. I gasped as her lips grazed mine in the softest of kisses and I faintly tasted a sweet strawberry. Her tongue flicked inside briefly.

I pushed her away in shock. "Oh god, we can'_t do _thisKozue_._" It hurt me to say it but it was so true.

She gave me a hurt look and smiled sadly. "Why the fuck not? When I read your journal, the only thing I could think of was 'why didn't he tell me before I found out like this?' But you were just like me. In denial. I was perfectly safe until you…"

Could it be possible? "What are you talking about?" I asked dumbly.

She silenced me by pressing her lips into my own again, harder this time, and I closed my eyes, automatically putting my arms around her waist. I held her tenderly and settled my fingers on the small of her back, massaging gently. I knew we shouldn't be doing this but I just couldn't make myself let her go. I wanted her so badly. Then, after a few moments, she released me and trailed the wet kisses across my cheek and up to my ear. She pulled my head closer with her hands and whispered, "_I love you too, you damn bastard. I always have_." Then, she was gone. Up and through that gate. I sat, completely overwhelmed as the moon shone down. She left me with her essence still lingering and her true desire revealed. So much for the worst-case scenario…

Authors note: Hope you liked this chapter. Unless you actually liked a lemon between them. I thought it might be delving into the Realm of Creepiness to tell you the truth…


	7. Shadow of a Doubt

Disclaimer: SKU is not mine.

Author's note: This chapter contains some symbolism. If any of you care to figure out what it means, say so in a review or email me at Shimatta103@yahoo.com, k? This chapter just goes into what Miki and Kozue think about their little "episode" by the pool. The next chapter will reveal the cause of her death.

  
  


Chp.6:

The silver platter that Juri had been holding clattered noisily to the ground. Cookies and crumbs bombarded the floor. Her mouth dropped open along with. "She kissed you?"

I nodded sheepishly. "I was as much a part of it as she was."

"But, she was your sister," Juri mumbled, nearly incoherently. She wasn't prepared for what I had told her.

I was still sitting on the bed and I flopped backwards onto the pillows. They still smelled faintly of Kozue. "You have to understand, Juri, that Kozue and I...we weren't really brother and sister."

"What are you talking about?"

I struggled to find the right words. "We were very close. So close, we were essentially the same person. Sometimes I could feel what she was feeling, you know? It was stronger when we were young, but it never completely went away. So..."

"...it was like kissing a mirror," Juri finished for me.

"Yeah."

Juri bent down and began sweeping the mess together into a small pile, trying to keep her orange mane of curls from falling into her face simultaneously. "Can I ask you something, Miki?"

"Hm?" I closed my eyes.

"Did you want her to?"

I yawned and stretched. Now, that was a question worth answering...

  


The night of the dance, 11:30 pm:

My feet waded aimlessly in the water, back and forth. I stared straight ahead and put a finger to my lips, tracing them. I could still faintly taste strawberries. Kozue...

Should I follow her? No... I didn't want to ruin this perfect moment. She actually felt the same way about me. Or did she? My doubts overtook my mind. I had seen the way she treated boys over the years...was I just another pawn in her treacherous game? Another soul she had conquered and broken? I wanted to believe that a sudden transformation had come over her but, I knew her inside and out. I knew how conniving she could become when she wanted something badly enough. But, then, why did the kiss feel so real? Why did she have to sound so sincere? I thought back to that dream-like moment when I first saw her on the couch....what if I hadn't left the diary lying around? Would she have eventually found out? Would I have had the courage to tell her? My thoughts became bitter with regret but it had, in the end, turned out for the better. A lot of people went through life regretting certain moments but this would be one of the times when I wouldn't. Ever.

I stood up and searched for my shoes, making wet footprints along the concrete ground. They were lying nearby and I slipped my feet into them. That's when I noticed Kozue's high heels. She had left them behind when she ran out. I fingered the material for a moment and vaguely wondered where she had gone. I wanted to find her and ask if it had all really happened or if this was some kind of insane dream. I wouldn't have been surprised if it was. 

I took a step toward the gate and noticed that it had closed itself again. A thick, metal chain secured it now, glistening in the moonlight...taunting me. Although it looked strong, I wondered if it might break under pressure.

I grasped it in my hand and pulled, but to no avail. A small white rose peeked from beneath it; seemingly growing from the gate itself. It was the perfect embodiment of purity, with its beautifully shaped petals and flawless leaves and I could have sworn it was fake. Music drifted through the air from the nearby party.

What would people say if they found out about Kozue and I? Would they think us disgusting? My heart told me to pay them no heed but my mind told me I was a moral offense, a disease that must be stomped out of existence. My hold on the chain lessened as the truth hit me. How could anyone understand what I felt for her? They wouldn't.

But, you know what? I didn't care. Society and all its rules could go fuck itself. I was in love and that meant I didn't give a damn about what they all said. I looked down at that chain and instead of being all shiny and perfect, it seemed now to be old and rusted. The flower too looked a little droopy and less brilliant. 

I swept my hand over the chain and it snapped. The gate swung open creakily and I took a cautious step through, really breathing in the air for the first time. It smelled like...Life. As I ran through it and towards the garden, where I now knew she would be, the small, white rose burst into flames and dropped off the gate, its ashes to be blown away. I kept running.

  
  


Kozue ran up the steps and into the looming garden, her bare feet slapping the soil in time with her beating heart. Her breath came in short gasps as she collapsed to her knees, among the roses with her dress spreading out around her. It was nearing midnight and the moon, full and shining, lit up her surroundings. She had stopped crying, but her eyes felt puffy and dry. 

The stars above were so beautiful; they twinkled slowly as she took them in. Everything was perfect in this moment. She smiled up at the sky and closed her eyes, whispering, "Thank you," to no one in particular, as a breeze slowly tousled her cerulean hair. She felt delicious, her heart bursting with happiness. She wondered what Miki was doing...or thinking...was he thinking about her? Did he really love her, like the journal had said? It was nearly impossible to believe, especially after the way she had treated him, and refused to play their song. If she could go back, she would play it a thousand times over just to keep from saddening him. She had spent all this time trying to keep his thoughts on her by making him worry as she cavorted with different men every week, but they had been on her the whole time. She had made a terrible mistake. 

She had become vulnerable. He had broken the iron barrier around her and found nothing more than a flimsy butterfly inside; one which fluttered around blindly with blue wings, striking the walls. Love could do that to a person.

Her smile faded as she realized that he had pushed her away when she had tried to kiss him the first time. She repulsed him, that's why. She shut her eyes tight and wrapped her arms around herself, shaking her head. "He was just toying with the notion, wasn't he?" Tears began welling up in her eyes once more but she rubbed them away before they started down her face. In her rages of jealousy, she had only succeeded in pushing him away.

But, the second time he had kissed her back. Was it a lie? Did he just do it so she would leave? She just couldn't believe that the object of her desire for all these years really felt the same way. She wondered if she made all the people she had toyed with feel this way. Now she knew how much it really hurt.

She thought back to when they had been children. Once during the summer they were swimming in a creek; two ten year olds splashing around in the water and laughing. She could taste the sweet air on her lips even now as the sun beat down on them. Out of nowhere, he asked what she thought kissing might be like.

She giggled and said, "Kissing? I don't know."

"One of the boys at school told me it was really fun. Like eating the best ice cream ever!"

"Kissing is like ice cream? I wanna try it!" and with that, they swam to the middle of the creek together and kissed. It was kind of sloppy due the inexperience of their young lips.

They broke apart and she giggled, "Eww, you got spit in my mouth!"

"Sorry Kozue," he blushed. "Yeah, that wasn't like ice cream at all!"

"Ugh, I'm never gonna kiss anyone," she boasted, puffing out her chest. He poked her and they both laughed and went on swimming, their shared moment already discarded.

What had happened to their days of innocence? Life happened. She had promised to never kiss anyone else again. Did she really mean no one else but Miki? 

She sighed and looked back up at the sky, never noticing the vibrant, black rose bud at her feet, amidst the sea of bloody crimson. It was on the verge of blooming, slowly turning white...

  
  


Author's note: Did you catch the symbolism? The next chapter is almost done so I'll put that up as soon as possible, k?


End file.
